This is not going to be one of those generic “why I want to lose weight” lists. Don’t get me wrong, improving my health and having more energy are excellent reasons for completing a weight loss journey. HOWEVER, there are other, shall we say, less politically correct reasons I want to finish this phase of my journey. Reasons that many of my brothers and sisters on the journey may share but would never articulate. That’s okay because I’m here to to do if for you!
Here We Go…
5. LESS SWEAT
I’M SO TIRED OF THE EXCESSIVE SWEATING! I know that carrying excess burger grease around my midsection (and other places) means it takes maximum effort to move from point A to point B. I get it! However, it’s INCREDIBLY annoying to start soaking through my t-shirt the second I try to put two thoughts together. Seriously, there’s is nothing more frustrating than walking somewhere and arriving at my destination with a soaked shirt, sweat dripping from my brow, in the WINTER, while some skinny dude that ran two blocks to the same destination arrives crisp and dry (that really happened!).
4. The End Of “THAT LOOK”
For my brothers and sisters on the journey, how many times have you decided to go to a buffet (or wherever your desire for “bad” food takes you), and upon walking in the door of the establishment, out of the corner of your eye you spot people giving you THAT LOOK? That LOOK that says “How dare they come here to eat [insert bad food here]!” ”They KNOW they don’t need to be eating [insert bad food here]!” Meanwhile, the people giving you THAT LOOK are gleefully indulging in whatever decadent food is in front of them. Apparently, only the non-overweight are allowed to enjoy bad food while the rest of us are sentenced to a life of salad and crackers. The day the weight loss phase of my journey is over, I’m going to the most expensive buffet I can find in NYC with a shirt that says “If You’re Seeing This, You’re Being Robbed” just to see who gets nervous.
3. No More “Fat What The F**K Moments”
Let me define what a Fat What The F**k Moment is. It’s a moment in time when those of us who are on the journey are minding our own business, doing whatever it is we do, when some random person is COMPELLED to come up to you (unsoliticited I might add) to say or do something just to remind you of how fat you really are. Case in point, I was at a bar with a group of friends recently. There I was enjoying myself and minding my own business when I noticed this waiter approaching our table with a HUGE tray of food. Keep in mind that in order to get to us, he had to pass about 3 or 4 OTHER tables with groups of people larger than ours.
He bypasses my friends (naturally) and comes right to me to ask “did you order this?” In his mind, the other tables he passed to get to ours, all of which had twice to 3 times as many people, couldn’t have POSSIBLY ordered all of that food! It HAD to be the table with the FAT GUY and 5 other people! He was absolutely stunned when I told him no. He even asked me if I was sure. Twice. It turned out to be an order for the first table he passed. The one with about 20 – 25 people. I have so many more FWTFM’s that I can share, but I long for the day when I no longer have to experience them.
2. No More Unsolicited Weight Loss Advice
It seems that once anyone finds out you’re on a weight loss journey (or thinks you need to be on one), they instantly become doctors, nutritionists, and fitness experts. I mean after a whole season of watching Dr.Oz, they really think they know everything there is to know about anything there is to know about weight loss. Not only that, but you are just waiting with baited breath to hear what they have to say! (Not). I had one guy run up to me while I was walking to the store a few months ago to tell me that all I needed to do to lose weight was drink water with oatmeal in it (true story). The sooner I’m done, the sooner this reoccurring scenario will come to an end.
1. BETTER SEX
Yep, I went there. Come on now don’t look at me like that! I know that my brothers and sisters on the journey have been thinking THE SAME THING. I’m talking about doing the nasty, the two backed beast, getting your groove on, making love, or whatever colorful metaphor you like. For my tastes, I’m tired of having to calculate mass and gravity ratios, attempting to solve pi to the last digit, and taking into account if Venus is in a retrograde orbit in the House of Pancakes to do some of the things I like. There are so many things I want to do that I can’t do right now. But, I can’t wait to see what kind of work I can put in when this phase of my journey ends. I’ll keep you posted
Now you know my top 5 reasons…what’s yours?